Just hold me and listen

Feb 28, 2025

Dating me is a trip. My moods change by the minute. I'm a conundrum of opposites - playful and intense, organized and scatterbrained, I hate change and seek novelty. And sex is almost always on the table (metaphorically, ha!), at least as a topic. My ex-spouse and co-parent could no doubt tell you some stories about my irritating (some may say charming) quirks from our decades together! And my current relationship is endlessly interesting at least in part because I became an intimacy coach three years into us being together. I am so lucky that my partner is patient and supportive; I couldn't have done the career leap without her enthusiasm. She wants to talk about my profession, and practice elements of it with me. While that sounds spicy, and our sex life certainly benefits, I'm talking here about the fundamentals: connection, communication, being in our bodies and the moment.

I'll share an example. 

Preamble: In college, I discovered the philosophy/psych/education concept of “experiential learning”, where it’s useful to hear good advice from others but it doesn’t really sink in until we ourselves “discover” it in our own aha moments in real time.

So this morning my partner and I waded through some sad feelings of disappointment (ok, they were mine). While my love held me in her arms, listening like a champion, we were both also doing some internal work. She told me later she was trying not to feel like she “should” have met my needs, even though it just wasn’t possible today. Meanwhile, I was trying to own my feelings, recognize the sources, and contextualize them (hello hormones!), when it hit me. 

Into the scruff of her neck, I said:

“You don’t need to hold this, you just need to hold me”. 

Woah. 

It's not like the above statement is a new concept to me, from my training, readings and experience, and I’ve used similar ideas with clients. But isn't it amazing how hard it can be as coaches (parents, friends etc) to remember and apply our own advice? 

I was still a little raw when she needed to head out after our hug. My sweet and clever partner thought to offer me a “6 second kiss” on the way out the door, a practice I highly recommend from relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman (more info here). It’s a super oxytocin release, and those kisses really soften a disgruntled lover, mmm. 

Later I sent her a voice memo to expand on my aha moment and try and prevent her from stewing in any residual guilt. Turns out she thinks that's not my work to do, taking responsibility for her emotional management. Hard to resist, eh? 

Here is the transcription of that voice memo, more or less verbatim (edited only for clarity):

“I just wanted to underline something I said earlier, which was about being able to hold me without holding my pain (or my whatever my feeling in the moment). It's something I've been thinking about in general with my clients, with you, my family, everybody - how to really be there with someone, to sit with someone in whatever they're feeling without carrying it ourselves. Eventually it would just be too heavy to carry everybody else's things. We all already have our own things. I think it’s like a quiet revolution in my life really.

But there's still a quality of empathy and connection we can bring that’s really valuable and needed. It’s similar to those Sue Johnson conversations (from “Hold me Tight”) where one person speaks and the other listens without responding/defending, where you can hear me, I can hear you and we don't have to do anything but listen. Where being with each other in our feelings at that moment is enough. If that makes sense. 

Situations where one of us is disappointed and just needs to be heard are going to keep happening. Rather than thinking one of us is relationship deficient in some way, we can notice that in fact we are proficient! We have all these skills to navigate though the rich, complex, emotional landscape of our relationship and lives by being able to just hold each other. 

And it's not that at some point there aren't times when one of us needs something done/changed etc. That's also valid. And sometimes it's possible to give it. But either way, we can remember that we have these skills to manage when we can’t, or when some kind of action isn’t called for other than that loving compassion. So yeah, just sending you with those words.”

I really felt the words as I recorded them. I realized I was experiencing this wisdom, feeling moved from within, not just thinking through the ideas. Like the synthesis of a lifetime of personal and professional learning/emotional experience got digested and released.

My partner told me she liked hearing my words in the memo, and it led to us talking on the phone later in more detail. We love to talk about our relationship, lucky me (I mean that), and it’s often her bringing up topics. We realized these concepts are profound, like how to understand and experience empathy. How to find the delicate balance of being there for each other without taking on the other’s pain. How to be there for those we love without being their everything.

Don’t our younger inner selves want to throw tantrums and blame others for all of our hurt feelings? And in truth, don’t we all kind of want others to hold our sh*t for us? It’s in the zeitgeist to celebrate those that try to hold it all for someone else, but gods, they end up taking on so much that they collapse. And holding people's pain doesn’t move anyone forward towards any real healing. I’d rather be with someone who can hold their boundaries, which may cause me inner tantruming (um, and maybe some outside tantruming). It also makes their YES mean more, to know they will say NO when needed. I’m so grateful to have a partner with a clear, but gentle “no”.

My love and I mused about how this has been the hardest blog post to write so far. I think because it’s the first one about us directly? I want to share all of our stories with you, readers, there are so many wonderful adventures and difficulties overcome. How can I choose? But this one came first, and so I let it come through to you :)

My challenge to you, readers, is to notice whether you’re holding other people’s burdens for them, in your body, instead of just being there for/with them. I’m not judging; most of us do it (especially people socialized as women). Just notice. And notice whether your brain becomes defensive when someone is upset with you. Or conversely, if you feel guilty. It isn’t to say we don’t screw up and need to repair the situation. And it can take skill (or coaching/therapy) to know the difference, to know whether listening and/or action are called for, and how to manage those situations. But to start, simply notice whether you can really listen instead, maybe hold them if appropriate, and just be there.

These things could make the difference between an argument, and a cozy time feeling secure with your person.